No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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