Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
