those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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