Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
