I think my fart just growled at me.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
