I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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