I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
