she was so not down for the gang bang
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
So squirting runs in the family.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
