After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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