How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
