I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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