those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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