They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
