He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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