You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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