one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
