The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
