Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You have to summon your inner elephant
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
