Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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