Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
