Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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