my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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