I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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