We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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