I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
