My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
We don't watch enough power rangers
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
