walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
