I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
