1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
