this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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