He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
