yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
