No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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