walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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