This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
