3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
wakey wakey hands off snakey
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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