Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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