He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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