Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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