She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
