one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
