Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
