I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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