Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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