I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
