No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
