I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
