quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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