Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
