So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
