She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
