i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
