I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
