Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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