You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
i've created a new STD.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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