the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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