Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
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