people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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