there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
