oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
