apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
